I'm an emotional person, I ain’t any kind of ‘emo’ or something, but I came to the conclusion that: I’m a very depressing person for no reason at all.
Usually I don’t have a problem with that, some times I’m just sad and I get mad at myself because that is just not right.
But here is the deal:
I KNOW there are lots of people with bigger issues than mine;
I KNOW that probably, in a way or another, my life is better than most, or I imagine;
I KNOW my so call ‘problems’ are probably just an exaggeration created by me.
That being said:
WHY do I feel like the lowest form of human being?
WHY is it, that even around crowds of people, I feel so ‘lonely’?
WHY do I often think of killing myself?
And I hate myself for that, I really do, I honestly do HATE myself for that.
Feeling bad for myself? Feeling lonely? Feeling heartbroken? Feeling the most stupid man alive? Feeling like I’m better dead? Feeling like I lost happiness? Feeling nostalgic? Those are just the most stupid, coward, pitiful, cynical and infuriating collection of feelings that a man could have.
I’m unworthy of the life I got to live, how many would pay for that?
I’m hunted by demons created by me. Pathetic excuses of bad memories. I’m being hunted by decisions that I will repeat. Hunted by the very moments that defined my life.

There was a time when I was happy with my life, I really was; I remember that even I suffer, that there happen the moments that make me who I am now; I was happy, I had a smile all the time, and I mean ALL the time.
But that kid went away, he realize that life was made and shape in the forms and colors of pain and that there is nothing he could do about it.

I was becoming really happy just no too long ago, was overwhelming, feeling happy once again is priceless. I saw a purpose of life, a way to go through the day, a goal, a meaning. Sounds a lot, but I just felt like that, couldn’t help it, it takes you by surprise.
After long, I still regret that it was me, that I act just like me, that I didn’t try to be better, smarter, more analytic, just not the fool old me.

Do you know the feeling of wanting to cry, but you just can’t? I’ve been like that since a few years ago, at least once at day, except for a short period of time. I don’t like it.

I want to be strong. I want to be happy. I don’t want to be another lonely soul. I want to be better.

The problem is: I’m just not.

"The whole conviction of my life now
rests upon the belief that loneliness,
far from being a rare and curious
phenomenon, is the central and
inevitable fact of human existence."