Etiquetas: thoughts

What if I fail?
Or what if I already failed?,
But what if I win?
What if I'm already winning?

Etiquetas: life, love, road, what if

This has been... the hardest year in my last decade... the lost of a long-term relationship, the dead of one of the nicest person who I had the pleasure of knowing and the dead of one of my childhood biggest influence... I lost long time friends and I'm basically broke...
It's been hard...
But also, I've been looking at life under a different light.
I'm never want to look back on tragedy.
I've been trying to make amends with everything and I have encountered refugee in my work, my M.B.A. and football.
This year, football have save my sanity.
Been able to play and most of all to coach such an amazing team, such an amazing family, has help me to clear my head and to forget for a moment.
I have encountered also a new interest which I didn't really imagine and I'm excited for what might happen.
It's time to move on, everything is looking up.

Etiquetas: 2014, football, life, tragedy, year

At the end, it depends on you.

Etiquetas: behavior

I never really picture myself in this position again, but this wasn't overnight, we grew apart for so long that, felt even ok...
Maybe my mind wasn't in it anymore and I don't really know how the heart feels about the whole situation...
Maybe at the end, there was nothing left but to say goodbye...

Etiquetas: breakup

"The essence of a dream can follow you all day long. Sometimes two or three days. I have had dreams as a little kid that I remember like they were yesterday, though as time goes on these dream are sometimes hard to tell from actual events as they survive in my memory.

"I am fascinated with the essence factor of dreams, period. They are as real as the essence felt from the ambient of an actual place, like a house you grew up in. Your favorite bar, or your school. The first Christmas tree you see every year, the smell of it, and especially songs. Some feelings these environments evoke are awful, some magical. All of them completely real. Real enough that numerous cultures throughout history have believed that the dream world is every bit as important and substantial and a vital part of human life as the conscious state. Some mysticisms actually look at the world of dreams as being the 'true and only world' and everything else an illusion. For my money, if you put an ice pick through your hand, I think it will prove to be a pretty fucking good illusion.

"Last night I had a dream that has been following me all day like a sick dog. I was in a hotel near the house I grew up in. I was in a café that happened to be the lunch court of my elementary school. Various friends from my past were walking up and talking to me. In the middle of this scene walks Layne Staley. He looked much like he did the first time I met him. Shoulder-length hair, clean-shaved. Clear-eyed and looking about 20 years old. I was so happy. Confused a little, but in a dream like this, I just wanted to accept the idea that there was some mistake and he was alive and well. He seemed happy and said was working on some new music project.

"I woke up not long after that with the feeling that I had really just talked to him and he was somewhere doing just fine.

"My next thought was one that has plagued me for years. Sitting in Kelly Curtis' living room with about 30 people, all sobbing. We had just come from Andy Wood's extra weird funeral-wake thing at the Paramount Theater. It had these new age overtones that didn't fit Andy's life at all. There was an amazing film of Andy with Mother Love Bone band mates. All of Andy's friends and family were there, mixed with a bunch of fans who I didn't like but knew Andy would have loved. The fans went home. His friends went to Kelly's. We were crammed in a smallish living room with people sitting on every available surface. Couch arms, end tables, the floor. I was leaning on the back of one of the couches that face away from the rest of the room and toward the front door. I remember Andy's girlfriend looking at everyone and saying, 'This is just like 'La Bamba',' then suddenly I heard slapping footsteps growing louder and louder as they reached the front door and Layne flew in, completely breaking down and crying so deeply that he looked truly frightened and lost. Very childlike. He looked up at everyone at once and I had this sudden urge to run over and grab him and give him a big hug and tell him everything was going to be OK. Kelly has always had a way of making everyone feel like everything will turn out great. That the world isn't ending. That's why we were at his place. I wanted to be that person for Layne, maybe just because he needed it so bad. I wasn't. I didn't get up in front of the room and offer that and I still regret it. No one else did either. I don't know why.

"Years later, at Layne's funeral, I was angry. I kept hearing the 'twice-as-bright-half-as-long' speech and the 'he-was-just-too-special-for-this-world' nonsense that I had heard at so many other funerals for so many other friends that were so young and talented. I'm not sure why I was that angry. Angry at Layne? Angry at all my other friends for leaving me? Angry at the people running around in circles saying 'I knew him best' or 'I was the only one he really trusted,' angry at all of them for squandering what I thought of as brilliant futures that would make the world feel to me like a place worth living? Or maybe I was just mad at myself because he was dead, and one time I had a chance to pick him up, dust him off and let him know that there was a person who cared about how much pain he was in and I didn't do it.

"If I ever run into him in a dream again, I hope I remember to apologize.

"Night all. Sweet dreams."